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February 17, 2007

NASCAR Finds New Ways to Stop Cheating
By Dennis Michelsen

Six team members have already been sent home. The winner of one of the Gatorade 150 qualifying races was disqualified. All the rule breakers have embarrassed NASCAR during the lead up to their greatest race, the Daytona 500. So it comes with no surprise that NASCAR is debating changes to the race procedures for the rest of Speedweeks. Incremental changes have been proposed to stop the rampant rule breaking that NASCAR is concerned might ruin the integrity of the sport. Stock Car Pit Pass was sent confidential documents explaining the changes being considered at this time.

New NASCAR Chalk Board
The first method suggested by NASCAR to stop cheating is one of the oldest methods of punishment known to mankind. No it is not bamboo torture but writing on the chalkboard! It is well known that Brian France was a problem child in his early years of schooling. But when his second grade teacher Mrs. Pflederer made young Brian write, "I promise never to put restrictor plates in the school toilets," one thousand times she cured him of his naughty ways. Crew Chiefs might respond in the same way if they have to write their infraction 1000 times on a chalkboard in the Fan Zone area at the track! NASCAR has even had several bids by manufacturers to supply the sport with the new official colored chalk of NASCAR in special team colors!

New Technical Director
If the chalkboard method doesn't work then NASCAR will try a more severe method of punishment. Legendary WWE wrestler Goldberg has been hired as the new technical director for NASCAR. While he knows nothing about the rules or how they are applied, Goldberg will be the final arbiter during rules discussions. If a technical violation is found the Crew Chief of the team in violation will be introduced to Goldberg. The new cage that will be used during Car of Tomorrow inspection will be lowered over the Crew Chief and Goldberg. The level of the violation will determine just how violent Goldberg gets! NASCAR plans pay-per-view coverage and Special eFex of Hollywood California has developed a special "Knuckle Cam" to bring fans the blow-by-blow action!

Death Penalty for Rule Breakers
NASCAR has promised zero tolerance for all rules breaking in their sport! If the two suggestions above are not successful to curb cheating then NASCAR has been granted a waiver by the United States Department of Justice to apply their own form of capital punishment system for rule breakers. "The foundation of this country is built on apple pie, the American Flag, and NASCAR racing," said H.R. Ferguson, an attorney representing the Department of Justice. "Here at Justice we feel that all this rule breaking is simply a plot by Al Queda to ruin the American way of life! The WMD found in Mr. Waltrip's engine represents a threat to our country and all it stands for," stated Mr. Ferguson. Doesn't it comfort you knowing our country's leaders are concerned about this too?

When NASCAR said in a press conference earlier this week that they were serious about cheating they were not kidding! All of the press coverage over the Michael Waltrip fuel additive story has embarrassed everyone on the eve of the big race. So what if NASCAR got more press coverage on the news than ever before, cheating will not be tolerated! Hopefully NASCAR will not have to resort to the most extreme of the above plans, although if they do a public stoning on SPEED might boost ratings. NASCAR will not rest until all of the rules breakers are stopped in their tracks and I applaud them for their new efforts!

Editor's Note: We are not sure of the veracity of the above information or if NASCAR really is planning any changes. But Dennis threatened to fire all of us if this article was not printed in its entirety. He did mention something about muscle relaxers and prescription painkillers when he sent in the preceding report so you might not want to take it TOO seriously!