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April 15, 2006

On the Road Again-Day One-Chicago to Paducah, KY
By Dennis Michelsen

No one will ever confuse me for Charles Kuralt, but I am reporting to you from the road this week…here at Stock Car Pit Pass we spare no expense to bring you racing stories from all over the world! (OK, so maybe "World" is a bit of a stretch, but so you really want Rickshaw Racing from Tokyo?) Day one will bring me from my home base of Chicago, Illinois to the dirt track in Paducah, Kentucky owned that was recently purchased by a group that includes Kenny Schrader and Dale Earnhardt Jr. You never know who is going to show up when it is NASCAR Night at one of Schrader's tracks, but usually Tony Stewart and Kenny Wallace are expected! While other features will bring you the racing action, "Down and Dirty" making its debut next week, here "On the Road Again" I will take you for a ride!

Today's Words of Wisdom-Listen to Your Mother!
Do you know how Mom used to tell you that you should pay attention in school because someday you will need that information that seems useless now? Well I am sure glad I listened to my Mom and paid close attention in Thermodynamics class back at Purdue. I am sure most of the people that slept through Doctor Wen Ya Sun's class every day are paying for it now! But not me I can calculate just how long it will take for a can of Mountain Dew, the official drink of "On the Road Again," to get warm in the car. Of course you need to be able to do the math on this one! But by taking the potential thermal coupling ability of the liquid in question in conjunction with the insular properties of the beverage container one can calculate the temperature on a mile-by-mile basis. It does take the investment of about $5000 worth of atmospheric monitoring equipment in my late model Acura to be precise, but who wants warm Dew? As my old buddy Wen Ya would have said, "The enthalpy of the mechanical variance of the molecular acceleration of the viscous liquid pre-transposes the temperature variation noted." Who could argue with that??

Day One Music
I always listen to an eclectic mix of music on the road; although burning your own CDs is strictly prohibited I use an offshore shell of a major international conglomerate to put together compilation CDs for me of music I have legally purchased! (How about THAT for a legal disclaimer!) Day one artists included in no particular order…Melissa Lambert, Edwin McCain, Tim McGraw, Bon Jovi, Sugarland, Nickel Creek, Hootie, Barenaked Ladies, Genesis, Brooks & Dunn, Jerry Reed, Nickleback, Sheryl Crowe, ZZ Top, and Sam & Dave. Thanks for keeping me awake folks!

Number of Times Lost
None

Worst Trucker Award
Usually JB Hunt sweeps these awards, but that nut in the ABF Transport truck that suddenly slowed to less than 40mph and almost caused that big wreck in Central Illinois gets the award after Day One. Just what were you thinking when you took your double trailer from the left lane, lit up your brakes, and then shot to that exit? Let me introduce you to two simple words…JACK and KNIFE!

Courteous Driver Award
In a shocking upset I win the award for Day One. At least the guy in the F-150 with the Ohio State window cling recognized my gracious display of driving courtesy by giving me "The Wave" to say thanks. Usually hand gestures from OSU grads are obscene!

Message to the Illinois Department of Transportation
Do you actually plan on getting the I-80 corridor fixed in my lifetime? (I know that depends on whether I plan to live until I am 117!) This ain't rocket science folks…it is one of the busiest roads in the country and has been under perpetual construction for the last 20 years or so it seems!

Accommodations for Night One
Best Western…now I know why Mikey likes it…although I can't believe on his budget he stays there!